Well, seems finally my walls crumbled and it’s time. Funny, I’ve seen those words before and now they haunt me.. “It’s time”. However, this time, it’s not something I look forward to in a sense. It’s something I’ve been waiting for, just like last time I saw those words… but now, it’s ominous. It’s morbid, dark. The shadows have truly grasped me once and for all, and I fear it’s time to bid a farewell.

Thank you to anyone who followed me, and liked anything I had to say. I hope I provided some sort of comfort for you, and perhaps shed light on things you may have only seen through a shroud of darkness. I described the other day how I’ve felt my whole life. And I rather liked that the anger and pain lately has fed my mind enough to express it. It’s as if I’m in a room, a little box room, with hundreds of shackles around my body and chained to the walls. Each shackle is slowly rusting and snapping, falling to the floor with a loud clank that sounds now as music to my ears. Before, I was afraid. But I welcome these noises of fear and regret, of lingering in the past.

Nothing has ever been mine, and I know a lot of people can relate. Anything that ever made me happy disappeared quicker than I gained it, and each time it’s shot me further and further down into this moment of goodbye. No drug, no drink, no soul could ever change my mind, and I choose to not turn to any of these things to solve the issue anyways. That issue is myself. And I was born in this body and mind, and I have the power to destroy them both upon my choosing moment. Who I am… well, I don’t know much anymore. I thought I knew. I built a lot to only have it broken and hammered down into dirt and dust.

Anyways, enough ranting. I’ve said what I have to say, and will end it once more with farewell. Let the terrors of the past remain there, unspoken, and unheard, for forever more. Peace be with you all. :)

-This blog is now ended, with everything it represented.-

You’re going to fade into just another bad memory. Time heals all wounds.~

I wish you would whisper to me, 

the way the wind whispers to the trees.

I wish you could hear my truth

when I say I love you.

I wish you felt the embrace

I’ve tried to help you feel…

No matter how I tried and fought

to be in your eyes, you saw through me.

You never tell me it’ll be okay.

You never tell me I’m safe.

While I wait on this cold street

you laugh in the warmth of another’s home.

I wish I woke beside you,

a warm kiss to greet with the sunlight.

I wish you held me close

and promised no matter what, you’d be here.

But I fall just short of your reach…

do you even try to catch me?

….

I’ve found a new love.

The way he spins my life is nothing like you did.

He makes everything seem prettier,

more complex and new.

He made you disappear.

He caught me as I hit the ground,

shattered into the billions of pieces your hammer aided in. 

He doesn’t speak to me, 

but I don’t need his words to feel safe.

That’s how strongly…

how unconditionally…

he loves me. 

He made you disappear,

but now I’m obsessed with him.

I feel angry all the time, but he loves me.

My home seems messier by the day

and the people I loved see me less and less.

I’m so obsessed.

My body withers away at his touch, and suddenly I think of you.

I suddenly wish you could be here.

I wish you would come back and save me.

But he wouldn’t ever give me back,

now that I am his.

My eyes seem to be hazy now… He’s all I see.

I haven’t smiled for days, missing you, dear.

I thought I’d be happy here,

but he won’t let me go. 

I’ll lay down one night at his side,

let him take from me, everything I’ve ever had…

As he makes my vision fade, his passion

dripping down my throat,

I smile a last time. 

I guess he loved me more, for he made me his forever.

Forever, in the darkness of the breathless.

I wish you saved me…

But he loved me. 

That’s all I ever wanted.

Rain rain, wash the blood away. 

Such a crimson red, of my scars of yesterday.

Suspended in your vast isolation, dreams unfolding

and warping my hands before me, I hearken to your scolding. 

Trickle, trickle goes the drops upon my skin;

cells splitting and birthing, upon a soul so thin.

Your iced chains bind me, gentle drowning death,

and in my mind you flood my lungs and steal my only breath.

But here, I wake, still aware of the muffled sound

of the voices outside my body that you’ve so kindly drowned.

I am weightless with you, my heart close to yours.

Beheld is my curiosity to explore your unopened doors. 

The red streams down to my curled and frozen toes,

where you’ll take me next, there’s no soul that knows.

Rain, rain, never go away…

I’ll need you more and more every day,

and with each stained hand you shall wash it all down.

My pale blue lips, in your light, will never frown. 

A broken gem is all I seem to remain here as. Shattered, unable to look as pretty as before even when glued together. The glue just kind of looks funny when it’s used for something that once was pretty. I know before that I wrote something, about someone finding beauty in a broken gem despite that odd looking glue. But, after being shattered so many times is it really that lovely to look at anymore? Hard to tell.

Maybe I picked a bad place to vent but I had to get it out somewhere or I’d shut down. A lot of people can probably relate, that moment they realize they’re about to be broken. Feels like your eyes dilate, a flushed sensation runs through your spine, branching off into feet, hands cheeks. But it’s not a pleasant feeling, it’s a feeling of demise. It’s a broken heart. You feel it when someone dies, when someone walks away, when something withers into nothing. A void fills you, emptiness unmatched by your lonely nights. A lot of us find ways to avoid the sincere darkness it brings into our lives; some are better than others at it, but we all fall victim to it’s pain at least once. The strongest men will crumble, the strongest woman will weep. Even animals are broken hearted when their owner and best friend passes away.

It’ll always be a question of, ‘How do I get past this?’ and we won’t ever know. We can simply mask it, cover it with a bandaid, but it’ll always scar. You invest so, so many emotions and time into something and then for some reason get bit for it, you’re unnoticed, unappreciated, played with, left for the wolves. Keeping one’s head up seems impossible… Try to see that silver lining. Always look for it, especially when it seems impossible to find. Once you do find it, follow it, and don’t let it out of sight or mind… It’ll free you one day of the burden you carry.

I digress, perhaps humanity’s biggest flaw is their ability to feel emotion. Granted, it’s a gift as well, or else we wouldn’t be here right now, and I wouldn’t be able to post this for anyone else going through it, too. But it’s a make or break kind of thing, is it not? It creates families, the desire to learn, the will to move forward, and it destroys lives much quicker than they’re ever built. 

I’ve been a fool countless times, falling for tricks and lies and games, and I will continue to be a fool for as long as I live. I’ll never give up the search for what completes me, and I was pretty sure I found it. Even if it isn’t mine now, I plan to make it someday. It’s truly love. 100% bonafide love. I have one form of it, in my young baby. Another form, in my family, my creators. And the final form, I did indeed find.. I just have to keep chasing this one. Maybe I won’t be as pretty glued back together, I won’t be as gentle, or as secure. But I also won’t lose my dignity and pride, and just give up and walk away. And if I’m meant to be loved for every scare I bare, then it’s that much better, isn’t it?

This goes for anyone reading this, I know I’ve gathered a couple followers. My intention is to always bring light to someone’s life. Encouragement. Something that people can relate to and hopefully follow the solution. I started writing this, nearly in tears, very broken and helpless, and finished it feeling stronger again, and ready to continue the battle of what all humans desire the most out of life.

Hopefully I offered something for someone else with this. Remain strong. :)

From the beginning of time, new life has blossomed and given birth to Change. Change would grow into adolescence and bring about faith, dreams, fantasy; and it would spread amongst the fresh Earth, filling every crevice deep within the crusts of the aging mountains and aspiring seas. Soon it would mature into Experience, a true virtue of existence. This experience would teach its children the way the river waters would dance, the way the trees of the vast green forests would twirl in towering heights towards the rejuvenating sun. It would take the hand of the unwise and show them the night skies, which held the secrets of the beginning of time, in it’s very stars. Though some of these stars shone without true existence, they displayed to the unwise the history of their creations through an unfathomable range of hues, from the deepest to the brightest of colors. The Unwise would carry on the traditions of Experience, passing them on to their own birthed children, thus transforming them into the Elders of time, and the cycle would begin with a new voyage through the history, present, and future once more…

I am Man. My creator sent me to this land to live what we, the living, call life. Here I am granted the power to create and destroy, to make peace or strife. I am an interesting creature, full of contradictions that no other being could comprehend. I will tell you the truth, and lie within it, and you will never know. I can build music, a harmony to the ears and then mutilate it with the roar of protest and indecency within mere moments. I can show love to another, a passionate touch to the flesh, or a simple smile to show gratitude. And I can tear you apart in the blink of an eye. I can create weapons to murder my enemy. But I cannot keep them from murdering my friends. The flesh on my skin can be pale, tanned, or dark, and inside, my blood will always flow red like my brothers. Yet, I will hate my brother and make him my target. I will show greed and gluttony, and I will share what I take from those unworthy with those I find worthy of my compassion. I am intelligent. Beyond any imagination. I can do what God can do, but I am ignorant to neglect the smallest parts of life. The parts I never see are what makes the world what it is, and Man who he is. I will appreciate nature and it’s beauty, but I will also murder it with technology and simple mindedness. I will move forward, and destroy the past. I am warm in the skin, yet frozen in the bones. I will dirty the purest waters of the Earth. I will worship no God, but tell you one exists…

My creator sent me to this land to live what we, the living, call life. Here I am granted the power to create and destroy, to make peace or strife. If I told you who I am, would you feel the same about me if I was you?

Deep inside my prison does the beast’s tongue lap at the blood of my cell, twisted upon three of Hell’s finest pikes.

I recall the black day with which my soul grappled and groped and fell,

leaving my bones shattered.

The drool from the gums of the bleeding hounds’ mouths beckoned my torn flesh.

I acquiesced in contemplation.

My bath soothed my sores and sewed together my wounds, looking real, and fresh…

I became the slave.

I called to my blood-eyed Mother as my savior and yet, It was my tormentor.

My soul boiled in ice.

The Hound called my name and like a child of sin, I did follow, I did believe.

It knew that inside I was weak.

For, Mortal or Demon, pain is felt and it is saved as the scars which relieve

that lapping tongue’s desire.

Hearkening in my shadowy grave, my cell, my abandoned and forbidden home…

I hear your voice.

But where are you, Cerberus?

(Just a rant.)

I’ve recently been browsing Youtube, and ran into some strange things with even more strange comments left by people with a symptom known as “closed mindedness”. Now, granted, the things I found are pretty controversial, and it’s slightly understandable that some people would be hugely offended and obliged to say some pretty stupid things; by now I’m sure you’re wondering what I am talking about. Well, I’ll get to it with a few examples. 

Some of you know of a disease called “Harlequin Ichthyosis”, commonly recognised on immediate visual interaction, but not a whole lot of people really understand what this is. In short, it’s a disease that affects an infant before it’s even born, consisting of large plate like features on the skin, deep fissures, round, bloody red eyes, and a large, open mouth. These babies usually don’t live past a couple days, but one managed to survive into adulthood. Now, where the closed minded people played a part in my entry today, was with the comments several of them left. These comments ranged from “ew gross, kill it”, or “why are they just looking at it instead of fixing it’s eyes/helping it” yadda yadda. Well here’s some pointers for these idiots they should probably think about before they say things like that. 

For one, it takes time, probably years to fix something like that. Do you really believe that in a short 1 minute of filming, they’re going to cure this child’s problem? And think about it for a sec. If not for these films and pictures, how would people learn about it and help with the cause for curing it? The sad truth is, you’re probably not going to save the baby by setting the camera down for that minute and trying to figure out what to do. Take it as me being cold, whatever you want to think, you are entitled to. But every now and then you have to face the cold hard facts about life. This disease fits the description of plenty of myths, it is impossible for some people to fathom or accept, even for myself. I had only heard stories of such things. (No, I am not insulting the disease or depleting it’s worth or a child’s value if it DOES in fact have the disease. So before you blow up on me, remember… closed mindedness. Let’s cure that while we’re at it, too, shall we?) Harlequin Ichthyosis needs to be studied, worked on, accepted as a fact, and brought to the awareness of people as a whole. If you go on believing doctors or mothers or whoever are wrong for filming and posting the video, you’re an idiot and in fact, why are you watching if you don’t like it so much, nonetheless posting comments about it. I fully believe in backing up your belief about it, instead of being “Hot and Cold”. Am I saying you have no right to not face the fact that the disease is real and needs to be recognised? No. Doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t looking at the big picture.

On to the insulting comments I’ve seen. People never manage to surprise me with their words, and online it’s about ten times more immature and annoying. I can’t ever tell if they’re serious comments or just provocative ones, but for those of you who are serious about it, how shameful. I’m sure you’ve seen many others retort with things like telling you to die, or you’re lucky you weren’t born with it, blah blah. True fax, my friends, you are indeed lucky, but that wouldn’t show you just how stupid you look. For one, you got to be seriously bitter or pathetic to even kid with things like that, or you’re just a lonely little bully who never had a girlfriend or boyfriend and finds pleasure in forgetting the human being. I saw one comment in reply to such an insult, and this person said that being disturbed by the baby and it’s disease are not what you should truly be disturbed by. He/she made the point that there are normal looking people who are twisted up and pretty inhumane inside, and they are the ones you need to fear and turn away from. It’s almost factual that children who grow up with such diseases that “seperate them from normalcy” turn out to be the most kind people, with true golden hearts, and a will to be there for fellow humans and guide them through similar problems. So who’s the real “disease”? I stand by my quote and motto, “shit happens”, when I say defects at birth, and diseases that wake up later in life are not a choice, they’re not something the child or adult was pressured to have, not something self caused. But the losers who sulk on youtube and forums all day, posting about how much they hate another human being for how they look or what they’re born with, will just end up one less asshole on the planet when they die, and that’s definitely a choice. Fun fact: if you live miserable like that your whole life, you’ll die way sooner than someone who doesn’t. So hey, I say keep it up, Johnny the Jerk, ‘cause by the time I can say “good riddance”, they’ve probably gotten one or more steps closer to finding a cure. One thing we will positively never find a cure for is Assholeitis. Works for me.

In all, if you’re interested on learning more about this disease for your own knowledge, and you think you can handle being real about it, visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harlequin-type_ichthyosis

Take this entry as an opportunity to learn, or an opportunity to share in a rant or even complain to me about it. I’m all for opinions if you have a good reason for it.